broken faith

I’m reading through I Chronicles these days.  Today was chapter 10.  I was grateful to be reading about some action and not another chapter of geneology and then I read this…

13 So Saul died for his breach of faith. He broke faith with the Lord in that he did not keep the command of the Lord, and also consulted a medium, seeking guidance. 14 He did not seek guidance from the Lord. Therefore the Lord put him to death and turned the kingdom over to David the son of Jesse.

… and then I read it again.  If I was walking, I would have stopped in my tracks as I processed it all…

Saul died, not because he threw himself onto his sword… Sure… That’s HOW it happened… but that’s not WHY it happened.  Saul died because he broke faith, did not keep the Lord’s command, was flat out disobedient, and did not seek the guidance of the Lord.  Therefore, the Lord put him to death and gave his kingdom to another man because Saul clearly could not handle the job of accomplishing the purposes the Lord had.

I thought:  Man… How often have I broken my faith, neglected to keep the commands of the Lord or to seek His guidance?  How many things has God given to someone else to do because I could not handle the job of accomplishing His purposes?

It put some holy fear into me.  I don’t have enough of that.

Then I flipped to Luke 6 and I read this…

46 “Why do you call me ‘Lord, Lord,’ and not do what I tell you? 47 Everyone who comes to me and hears my words and does them, I will show you what he is like:48 he is like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid the foundation on the rock. And when a flood arose, the stream broke against that house and could not shake it, because it had been well built. 49 But the one who hears and does not do them is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. When the stream broke against it, immediately it fell, and the ruin of that house was great.”

And as much as I call him Lord, Lord and as much as I desire to live a life that is fully His… I know that there are areas of my life that I still make the mistake of building things without a foundation, like Saul did.

I don’t want to be like Saul.  I want every part of my house to be built on the rock.  Praying God will give me eyes to see all the places I’ve neglected to seek His guidance, be obedient, keep His commands, and build my house on the rock.  Lord, in your mercy and grace keep me from having a broken faith!

Cafe Caffeine

I identify with this in more ways than one:

Oh yeah… dishes…

I opened this page to write a blog that was actually about SOMETHING.  But I kept thinking about random things and since I couldn’t stop my random thoughts to create any meaningful communication… I just started typing my thoughts.  A glimpse of a couple minutes in my head:

Why is my neck so sore?  I need a massage.  I want to be in the wilderness like this guy on tv.  Snow sounds really nice right now.  Is this the arctic?  Sorry people but I don’t feel like talking on the phone tonight.  Don’t take it personally.  And it’s not because I’m sad or anything.  I just have nothing to say.  I wonder who invented pillows… I like them, whoever they are.  I should do laundry.  I need to organize my closet.  Woah.  How did that guy go down a cliff using a gigantic pole/stick?  I wish I was stronger and more coordinated so I could do crazy things like that.  List of things to do: get stronger and more coordinated.  Speaking of which, Kristen and I need to figure out a time to run.  I wish I had all my painting supplies.  Painting might help me stay sane this summer.  Oh, I think I have a gift card to Michael’s somewhere.  Or did I give that away?  I need to find a very cheap creative outlet.  I wish I was better at drawing.  I want to read some more East of Eden but I’d probably fall asleep.  I guess I better go wash the dishes… I’ll do laundry tomorrow.  I wonder if the Padres beat the Rangers tonight.  I miss the days of Tony Gwynn.  Is his son playing now?  I haven’t been to a game in so long.  Maybe I should finally learn to play the guitar.  Whatever happened to that guitar I got from Emily?  It does me no good in another state.  Sigh.  My life is all over the place.  I guess that fits me.  Oh yeah… dishes…

from his life, and from his death

I was blessed with a relationship with a loving father.  Here are a few things I learned from his life, and from his death:

I learned to laugh and laugh loudly. He was always that person who laughs insanely loud in the movie theater at parts that no one else seems to find funny.  I was always so embarrassed.  Now, I do the same thing… If you meet my dad in heaven, feel free to tell him thanks for that. ;o)

I learned that my life is not about me. He  showed me that a valuable life is one focused on serving others, for the glory of God.

I learned to love to learn. He knew much about much.  He was always learning more, and he always enjoyed the process.  He significantly contributed to my nerdiness.

I learned to enjoy God’s creation. He loved to take the family camping, to go hiking in the mountains, bike riding by ocean, or kite flying at the bay.  I love those things too.

I learned to share the gospel and invite others to follow after Jesus. When I was 13 years old, we pulled over on the side of the road and my dad and I prayed with one of the youth from our church as she chose to give her life to Jesus.  I’ve been talking to people about Jesus ever since.

I learned that miracles happen when God’s people pray. He lived less years than many, but I sincerely believe that he lived more years than he would have if people hadn’t prayed.

I learned that I am to be treasured. His eyes always told me that I was valued and adored.

I learned to love Scripture. He loved to read it, study it, and teach it.  He passed that on.

I learned to choose joy. I decided before his death that if he died, joy would be my choice.  It’s not always an easy choice and sometimes I fail to choose it… but those end up being really bad days… I pray that joy would come every morning.

I learned the importance of wise living. Sometimes he was wise.  Sometimes he wasn’t.   Being wise is always better.

I learned to appreciate each day I have. His life was 47 years long.  Most of us expect to live quite a bit longer than that.  He did too, but God had numbered his days to be just the right amount.  I’m often reminded that I am not invincible and a day will come for my end here too.  In the meantime, to live is Christ…

I learned to look forward to heaven. … to die is gain.

belong

Do you ever feel like you don’t BELONG anywhere?

I do, from time to time, or often, or almost always.

Maybe it’s that I’m always going somewhere.

Maybe it’s because everywhere I’ve ever lived belonged to someone else.

Maybe it’s because there are so many that I love so much that are sprinkled all around the globe.

Maybe it’s because I’ve left pieces of my heart in so many places.

Maybe I was designed to feel this way.

Maybe it’s because I’ve learned the truth…

For there we have no lasting city, but we seek the city that is to come.

a time…

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.

The story of life.  Mine.  Yours.  It’s always time for something and it’s always the wrong time for other things.  Just thinking about that a lot today.  I sometimes do things at the wrong time.  I keep things that I should cast away.  I speak about things when I should keep silent.  I weep when I should laugh and I laugh when I should weep.  Praying God will help me see what time it is…

more on making space…

One of the many books I’m reading is Finding God at Harvard: Spiritual Journeys of thinking Christians.  It’s filled with reflections of different people (42 of them) affiliated with the world of Harvard. They cover a plethora of topics.  I highly recommend it to anyone looking for a good book to ponder and enjoy.

Today I read the testimony of Kathryn Donovan Wiegand titled Childbearing Interlude.  I loved it.  I interrupted my roommate and her reading several times to read paragraphs of it out loud to her!

Here is one of them:

“There are, of course, different kinds of death.  Some of us will die to the dream of graduate school or artistic accomplishment or marrying rich (of course, no one I know ever thinks about that) or children or health.  But every death is an opportunity, an invitation to embrace God if we do not give in to bitterness and self-pity but see our brokenness as a reflection of his on the cross.  We cannot approach God in pride and self-sufficiency and still have any hope of knowing him or the meaning of his grace.  In dying to ourselves we give up the lordship of our own lives and thereby make space for his.”

Over the span of my years thus far, I have gone through various forms of death and they have been difficult times to say the least.  I know there are many more waiting to be had… but it is in these deaths that we find life, real and true abundant life.

Back to reading… I love books!  (Imagine a nice long, content with life… siiiiiiiiiiiighhhhhhhhhh!)

rearranged

I recently, in a moment of “I can’t handle this anymore” rearranged the furniture in my room.  (I know you don’t care about that fact but just go with me…) The way it was arranged previously made the most sense and was the most aesthetically pleasing, really… but, I needed a larger amount of open space… A place where I could sprawl out on the floor with stacks of books or random projects or dump out piles of laundry as I folded them, etc.  So I shoved the bed to the wall under the window.  Now the room is somewhat lopsided… but I have SPACE and I love it. 

Last night as I lay in bed, unable to go to sleep I thought about the arrangment…

My life is kind of like this.  I once had it all arranged symmetrically, in the way it made the most sense and looked the prettiest.  Then I realized it wasn’t working.  So I moved things around and made SPACE to do the things I needed to do… mm, the things God needed to do…  It’s all kind of lopsided looking to me and I’m sure to others sometimes, but it’s working…

I have a feeling this won’t be the last time the furniture of my life gets rearranged!

love for Jesus is the point

I recently stumbled on a quote by Walker Percy that said “You can get all A’s and still flunk life.”  I wrote it down.  I think the converse is also true.  You can never get A’s, maybe even get some F’s, and still succeed in life.

On the mirror in my bathroom I have a sticky that says “Intelligence isn’t bad, but love for Jesus is the point!” which is a quote from a Mark Driscoll sermon.

I need these reminders.  As I pursue a “higher education” degree, studying God’s word and many things that go with it… it’s easy to get caught up in the need for more intelligence/the desire for A’s/prestige/etc.

But love for Jesus is the point, that’s why I’m here.  To work hard, to gain intelligence… yes.  But doing those things alone will not bring me success.  I could still flunk life.  I could still not walk in a manner worthy of the gospel.  If I don’t come out on the other side loving Jesus more than when I went in, I’ve gained nothing of value.

Another semester is over and the light at the end of this tunnel is getting brighter.  I didn’t get all A’s but I did pretty well and I mostly… I did learn more about loving Jesus and that’s all the really really matters!

dogs and movies about them that make me cry

I’ve been blogless for a while… My brain was too full to have anything to say here.  I’ve finished several things, so I am starting to find space in my brain again. Thus, I am back…

Do you ever just feel like you need a good cry?

(If you’re a girl, I expect your answer here is yes.  If you’re a boy, I’m not as sure about that but I think it’s still likely that it happens at least once in a blue moon — hm… what’s a blue moon?  I’m gonna have to google that!  Or look it up in my Dictionary of America Idioms and Phrasal Verbs… yes, there is such a thing and… yes, I own one…  And wow, am I having a spaggetti moment – I’ll explain another day what that means!)

A good cry, yes… that’s what I’m talking about.  I was in the mood for one today.  So, I rented Marley and Me and I watched it.  I should have been finishing up a project and/or reading Revelation but I watched it.  I missed seeing it in the theater so this was my first go.

Loved it.  Cried a good amount, as I expected.

It reminded me of my dog Rocky.

I love dogs.  I always have… I was dogless for 16 years and I ached for a puppy!  See, we didn’t have a fenced in backyard or a lot of money for extra things like pets.  But we moved when I was 13 and our house had a fence.  The first thought I had was, DOG!!! My parents told me at some point that when I could pay for a dog, we could get one.  I turned 16, got a job, and bought a dog from the San Diego Humane Society.

I wanted a beagle.  I brought home a char pei/terrier mix.  The weirdest/ugliest/most adorable combination you’ll ever find.  He had the wrinkles of a char pei, but with long black wiry hair like a terrier.  When I first saw him in his cage, I walked right past him commenting “that one is ugly” but somehow someone convinced me to take him out and play with him (Debra!) and within 30 seconds I was in love.

He was going to be an outside dog but that only lasted half of one night… my family is full of softies.  This ugly/adorable little pup had stolen all of our hearts.

Two years later, I went away to college.  He was my dog but he’d developed quite the love with my youngest brother (and the whole family, really) so I didn’t feel bad leaving him.

During the summer a couple years later, he got hit by a car and we had to put him to sleep.  It was very sad.  Really, it was.  But I look back and I know that was part of God’s plan for our family… because every little thing is, really, and that experience prepared us for things to come.

There’s a new dog in the family.  Well, he’s not new anymore… His name is Bradley and he’s about 6 years old (he’s been a Conger for almost 5 of those years).  He belongs to Josh but I picked him out (and will forever take credit for that).  He’s fun and adorable and very sweet.  I pick out great dogs, if you ever need help with that. 

So the point – there isn’t one.  Just that I love dogs and movies about them that make me cry…