About a week ago, I was struggling to stay afloat. It was like I couldn’t even see. I was so very overwhelmed with the amazing things I am learning – sometimes in a good way and sometimes in a “THIS IS TOO MUCH! MAKE IT STOP!” way – piled on top of reverse culture shock. [I’ll have to write a post about reverse culture shock because I’m sure many of you have no idea what I really mean by that… but I’ll save that for later.] And, as I shared here, Jesus showed me that I needed to just stop and wait and spend time letting Him show me the things He wants me to see, when He wants me to see them. No big decisions. No big moves. Just slow days, filled with Jesus. Waiting.
I’ve been trying to do that for a week now. I stopped actively pursuing anything (other than more Jesus) because I’m very unsure of what to be pursuing and 1. Jesus said stop and wait! 2. I have this feeling that where He’s taking me is going to be… not what I was expecting or planning.
It has been sooo good in so many ways. I really am learning and processing SO much – really good stuff. But it has also been hard. After 4 days of “waiting,” I instinctively started trying to construct new plans in my mind. When I realized what I was doing I stopped and asked, “Is this you Jesus or am I jumping the gun again?” I was jumping the gun. While I’m feeling less overwhelmed than I had been, my vision is still unclear. There are still things I need to see. So I’m HERE, waiting… trusting… learning…
Sometimes I feel trapped in the routine of not having a routine. Does that make any sense? I am not moving forward, I’m just HERE. At least that’s what it FEELS like. And HERE (jobless, staying with my family in a suburb not really super close to anything that interests me) is not where I want to be. The biggest problem is that I kind of feel like an idiot/lazy person, or at least like I will look to other people like an idiot/lazy person.
I need to confess a couple things. CONFESSION 1: I AM an idiot. I don’t want you to think I am. But I totally am. Let’s all just accept that and move on with our lives. Jesus loves me and lives in me and works through me anyway… And maybe it is my idiocy that is the reason that I have to take some time… And it is definitely my idiocy that allows me to see the beauty of His grace! I guess it’s a good thing. CONFESSION 2: I want your approval. I really do. I want you to think I’m awesome, smart, wise, (insert positive adjectives here). That desire and preoccupation (wondering what you’ll think if I do this or that or the other thing) trips me up and gets me thinking in the wrong direction ALL THE TIME!
The other day, I met two women at Starbucks. I was annoyed by them actually. I moved outside because I didn’t want to be near them. Honestly. I’m a jerk sometimes. But they came and got me from outside. Weirdest experience ever. And a long story. Maybe I’ll tell it sometime. Anyway, I ended up sharing some of my struggles with them. One of them grew up as an M.K. and had a great deal of understanding for (parts of) my situation. And in the midst of our conversation, she read this verse to me:
“For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” (Galatians 1:10)
Right. So, my desire for approval of man… it needs to be squashed.
I’ve been pondering some questions recently. Would you like to know what they are? I’ll tell you. Do I trust the Holy Spirit? Really? Truly? How does my life reflect a trust and dependence on the Holy Spirit? How can I trust Him more?
It’s a scary thing – that trusting Him MORE. And I feel like there are going to be people who think I am crazy along the way… But what will happen if I really listen? If I really walk a Spirit led life and live not for the approval of man? Aren’t I supposed to look crazy? Didn’t He say that would happen?
Well, anyway… This is me… and I don’t know where I’m going or what I’m doing. But I’m learning about trusting. And I trust it’s going to be very good.
Thanks for checking in.