new lenses | giving it time

I’ve been back in America 2 months today. I just realized that. I thought two months in I’d have things more figured out than I do. I got back to San Diego a week and a half ago and since then things have been… challenging. The traveling is over, the visitors have stopped coming… And now I have this expectation that it’s time to “get on with my life” and “figure this out.” But, it’s not that easy, I’m learning. I’ve been feeling very… Well, I had no idea how to explain how I was feeling – even to myself. Until…

[Stick with me for a minute. This is going to seem disconnected, but it’s not.]

I have vision problems. In both eyes I have astigmatisms. That means my cornea is the wrong shape. A good cornea should be perfectly round, like a baseball, and when light hits it focuses at a single point. My cornea is shaped like a football, and when light hits it focuses at many points, causing blurry vision – near and far. So, I wear glasses or contacts.

Glasses are helpful, but annoying. They are always sitting on your face and slipping down your nose. You can’t wear sunglasses with them (unless you get clip-ons, or a prescription pair). You can’t see peripherally. You can’t look up and down without moving your whole head. You can’t wear them in water, or when it rains. People can’t see your eyes (I LOVE seeing people’s eyes. I want them to see mine too!) {You people with perfect vision just don’t understand…}

Contacts solve a lot of those problems and they help, sometimes, to see better than glasses do. BUT they are also really annoying – particularly if you have astigmatisms. See, a certain part of the lens has to be on a certain part of your eye. So, we astigmatism people have to wear special contacts called torics. They are weighted to help them stay where they belong, but – at least for me – that doesn’t always work.

Every time I put my contacts in, I have to stand there by the mirror for a while – waiting for the lenses to settle onto my eyes properly. Sometimes it takes a while. I have to do eye exercises – look up, down, right, left… blink, blink, blink… maybe move the lens… maybe take it out and start over… And as the day goes on, when my eyes get tired (and when I cry), it happens again. I do what I can to help it get back where it needs to be, and I wait until I can see.

It’s frustrating. It feels like a waste of time… slowin’ me down… and just an annoyance in life.

So, a couple of days ago I was getting ready for the day and I put my contacts in. And it took FOREVER to see. I tried everything that sometimes helps but I just had to wait. And as I waited, Jesus whispered to me…

Shanda. This is your life now. I’ve given you new lenses to see me and my creation through. Your perspective of me and of the world is changing, and it will become more clear – more true – than it’s ever been before. But the lenses are new to you, and they haven’t settled into their proper place yet. It’s okay to wait. Just relax. Give it time. In my time, I will cause the lenses to settle in properly. Your vision will clear up and you will see my beauty like you’ve never seen it before. Right now, your eyes are tired. You are disoriented because you can’t see well. Don’t force yourself to move when you can’t see. It is not a waste of time to wait. Just spend time with me, I will show you what to do and when to look up, down, right, left… but let me work this out.

I don’t know exactly what being obedient to this looks like. But He told me He would show me when to do what. I guess now, all I can do is trust Him and wait and act in obedience in all the ways He’s told me so far… Giving it time… Waiting to see more clearly.

I’m thankful for what He’s helped me see so far, and thrilled to know that more is coming…


2 thoughts on “new lenses | giving it time

  1. Pingback: Just slow days, filled with Jesus. Waiting. | … this grace in which I stand …

  2. Pingback: He is the reason. He is the way. | … this grace in which we stand …

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