I had this great day today. It involved tide pools, sitting on the beach, drinking coffee, hanging out in the pacific (and getting caught in a rip current – but don’t worry… I made it out), laying in the sunshine (when the sun wasn’t behind the clouds), reading a book, and – all the while – hanging out with family. Good stuff!
But at some point in the midst of it, I started having this internal freak out. Stressing about details of my life. (Long story.) See. I know God’s going to lead and guide me. I know He knows where He’s taking me even though I don’t. But, I’m trying to make responsible choices along the way. And it’s hard when there’s so much I don’t know. So, I started stressing about one of those things I need to make responsible choices about because I couldn’t figure out what that was going to look like.
Tonight, I went on a walk (a walk that ended up being much longer than I intended for it to be – another long story) and talked to Jesus about how I didn’t know what to do… and then I turned on my ipod. I chose the song “Beg” by Shane and Shane because I feel like I’m in a begging position. And I sang out loud and waved my arms around with the music. If anyone was paying attention to me they probably thought I was pretty weird. And as the song ended I prayed “God, give me a song. I need a song.” And then this song shuffled onto my ipod:
It may have been a “silly prayer” to ask God for a song. And it may have been silly to think that I “needed” a song. But maybe not. Because He poured this song over the aching “I don’t know what to do” parts of my soul and told me to chill out and that it was all going to be okay and I should stop making things so complicated – IN MY HEAD – before they even happen.
And I breathed deep. And I listened to the song somewhere between 6 and 8 times. :) (I do that… I’m a song repeater.)
And then, Erin called. And she echoed all of that. It IS going to be okay. And even though I sort of feel alone in all of this sometimes, I’m not. There are people waiting to help. People who love me. And I almost cried when she told me that. And the complicated-ness seemed to fall away.
Then I came home because it was dark, my mom was worried, and I was tired from walking way longer and farther than I meant to. [That’s what I get for talking on the phone and paying no attention to where I turned and did not turn.] And I ate ice cream. And sat down with my computer to write. But first I opened my google reader. And the first thing I clicked on was this post by my friend Rachael. And I was surprised to find myself in it. She said all these nice things about me but most importantly she said she was praying for me because she knew this transition time would be challenging – and when I read that my eyes filled with tears, again, because at just the right moment He was showing me that people are in this with me. They care. He cares. It’s going to be okay.
So, I’m ending the night thankful for sweet reminders of God’s care, and the care of the Family (the church) – and specifically my sweet friends who love Jesus so much and love me too, and the reminder that I’ll never really be in it alone — no matter how I feel.
[And as previously mentioned – this Josh Garrels album is wonderful and FREE. And if you didn’t listen to me last time, you should listen to me this time and go download it here.]