this feels like a movie


Well, I’m in California. It’s been one of those “longest day of your life” days. I woke up at 4:30am on the other side of the world, left my house at 5:30am. Got the airport at 6:30am. Got on the first plane at 7:30am and took off at 8am. Landed at 10am. Made last phone calls, just to hear my friends’ voices, and sent last text messages in the country (and cried). Took off in the second plane (leaving the country) at 1pm and arrived at LAX a little before 10am (1am on my other side of the world ). I’m a time traveler. 

We stopped at In N Out. It was good, but not amazing. I’d been craving a chocolate shake for months now, so I got one, but could drink only half of it before I started to feel a little sick. I’m not used to this American stuff anymore.

While sitting at In N Out in LA, I was struck by the number of skin colors I saw as I looked around the room. I taught 100 students the last couple weeks about why America is referred to as “the melting pot” and I thought to myself “well, there it is.” And while I love it and I find the variety of people refreshing on some levels, I also missed being surrounded by only “yellow” people.

I looked at the very blue sky, the green grass, the fancy cars, the clean – everything, and the melting pot of people and I thought “this feels like a movie.”

I’ve talked (online – don’t have a phone) to a few people and they ask how it feels to be home. I don’t know. I’m tired. Jet lag is present. And it feels weird. But I’m glad I’m here. But I’m sad I’m not there. And I’m trying not to think about the fact that I don’t know what’s going to happen next.

I’ve decided that I need to try to just BE on vacation for a couple weeks. I need to set aside the overwhelmedness of all the unknowns and just learn to BE here and to process and transition. No job hunting yet. No car shopping. No freaking out about where I’m going to live. Just learning. And Being. And Trusting. Easier said than done. But that’s my goal.

[Sigh. So much easier said than done. Stop freaking out Shanda. Stop. It’s going to be okay. At least, eventually.] Sorry. I just had to talk to myself for moment.

I just need little steps and small plans. So, tomorrow = shopping for flip flops and a bathing suit, beach, coffee shop, writing, and some Anissa?

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