abnormal // normal

I’m supposed to be taking a nap because I’m really tired – went to bed late and got up early. But instead, I’m laying in my bed feeling a bit overwhelmed. I think I want to cry, but I have no tears. It’s not one specific thing. It’s life. And my life feels – so – abnormal in some moments and – very – normal in others. And maybe that’s hard too.

This afternoon, I went to meet a kid on the basketball courts. He sat on the steps waiting for me as I approached, he looked rather overwhelmed and explained he had a very important exam in an hour. I introduced him to my brother and he shook his hand. Then he gave me a gift he made and a class picture we took early on Sunday morning. I’m not even SUPER close to this kid, but I really enjoyed teaching him and his class. When he said “goodbye” the weight of that word hit me like a ton of bricks. I do not like it.

Why do “goodbyes” seem to be such a steady part of life? – at least mine. If it’s not me leaving, it’s someone else. I guess all of my “goodbyes” wouldn’t be so lame feeling if my life wasn’t also full of love… and that’s certainly something to be grateful for!

Last night was the last time, for now, I will see one of my very dear friends (- the one who wrote me a letter I talked about in the last post). We had dinner and gave her letters we (Brittany and I)’d written her, took pictures and walked around. Then when it was time to part ways she, Brittany, and I huddled together and she told us she loves us and we said the same back… We couldn’t say “goodbye” so we decided we’d say “see you later.” She’s downloaded skype and has been using it already – so we know we’ll get to see her face on our computers! And there is a good chance we’ll get to see her again face to face someday in the next couple of years… but… ::sigh::

When we walked away from our “see you later” I told Brittany that it didn’t really feel real… but today it does. Today, I know she’s not here anymore. I know I am here for 1 more month but I won’t get to see my dear friend anymore. I won’t get to see my students for much longer. It’s all wrapping up… 

But there’s still a month… and there’s still more to do… and my brother is here and experiencing this side of the world and this kind of life for the first time… And I’m getting to see it some through his fresh eyes… and I’m thankful…

I don’t like all the “goodbyes” and “see you laters” but I’m also looking forward with joy to the “hellos” and the “great to see you agains” that will come when I switch sides of the world again. I’m excited, though also overwhelmed, at the thought of the adventures that will come and the life that waits to be figured out.


2 thoughts on “abnormal // normal

  1. So overwhelmed this morning, but a million things. (yes, I’m crying again…I think I’m using all YOUR tears too…). But right now, I’m mostly so so so grateful that there’s someone else that understands. I have less than a week left in Norman. And I have no idea what I’m doing when I get back to CA….and I’m so tired of saying good byes and you’re right, it wouldn’t be so hard if there wasn’t so much love…..

    thanks for saying what is on my heart. I love you. have fun with your brother. and know that I CAN’T wait to say hello again. your sister, Anissa

  2. Goodbyes suck, and I always feel lame feeling that way because it’s not a death, there is much greater suffering in the world, and I usually DO see the people again. But… it’s a part of the Fall. We’re meant to be in permanent relationship and community. Separation, goodbyes, those were never meant to happen in our relationships. It isn’t natural. So. It’s worth grieving.

    I’m glad, though, that a team is coming. I’m hoping that will be fun and adventurous instead of prolong time over there with most of the people you’re ministering to already gone. I hope it’s a bit like camp, and a fun last memory.

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