It’s finals time again. It SPRUNG up on us. Planning ahead is not one of the top skills of this culture, or I suppose I should say it’s not anywhere near the top of their list of priorities. So, the academic calendar is rather loose and fluid. It changes with the whims of administrators and we hear about the changes from our students. Awesome.
I’m busy and life is nutso [Have I mentioned that?], so my students are getting off kind of easy with the final. I just don’t have time for anything complex or difficult. I don’t think they mind.
The biggest problem I have with the SPRINGing up of the finals is that it also SPRUNG up goodbyes. I gave half of my Tuesday morning students their final today. That means that those students will NEVER sit in my classroom again. I will never look out into their faces and be their goofy teacher again. I may or may not see them around campus in the next few weeks. Some of them may be coming to our Summer Program. But once July 25th comes, I don’t know if I’ll ever see them again. And I feel like I’ve been cheated a week or two of looking at their faces and influencing their hearts and minds. Stupid SPRINGING of things on me!!!
If you do not receive my email updates, you may not be aware that I will not be returning to Asia next year. I’m heading back to the states for an undetermined length of time.
I read a blog post this morning over at (in)courage about God sized dreams.
When it comes to God-sized Dreams, you might get the next step. You might catch a glimpse of the vision. You might know where you think you’re going. But then…
Our big, mysterious God shows up and you realize you don’t have a clue. His ways are beyond figuring out. This doesn’t mean you’re missing something, doing it wrong, or are wrong the path. It just means He’s God and we’re not.
This is where I have found myself this year. I thought I had this long-term plan all worked out. But then I started learning all this stuff! Oh the LEARNING!!! And it seemed to continually pull my heart into another direction. So, I prayed and I sought counsel and I asked a lot of others to pray and eventually… I shifted my plans. AGAIN. And all I REALLY know is that I don’t know exactly. I am going to spend the next year exploring and learning and considering some more. I am here and working until July 25th. After that, all I know is I land at LAX and my mom will pick me up and drive me to my family’s home and I’ll stay there for a few weeks.
There I will take some time to be still and quiet and to process all that the Father has taught me in this time living here in Asia — a time that has changed me and grown me and shaped me. I didn’t expect to be living in America again so “soon.” And I’m a bit nervous/afraid. I feel like I have kind of forgotten how to do it. But I’m excited, to learn and adjust to being THIS changed version of myself in my own culture again. And eventually – if the Father wills it, I expect there will be another change and another adjustment to another culture… But one step at a time.
I relate well to these statements on the (in)courage blog:
I thought at some point the fear would go away. It doesn’t–there’s always another hill, another twist and turn you didn’t expect, another reason why you don’t feel ready.
Get used to fear. It’s what pushes you into faith.
That knot in your stomach isn’t untying anytime soon–the only option is to accept it as part of the ride and even dare to enjoy it a bit. Put your arms in the air, feel the rush, and scream your guts out all the way into whatever it is God has for you. Wheee!
I get that. I feel that. I’m thankful for fear that pushes me into faith. There is certainly a knot in my stomach and the occasional skipping of beats in my heart. But rather than allowing it to freeze me in fear… I’m trying to lift my hands and let go of control and scream my guts out as I ride the ride and see what God allows and where He guides.