pictures and tears

Tonight I looked at a slideshow of pictures and tears streamed down my face. One of my college roommates, Jenni, had a baby a few days ago. I love Jenni a lot. We’ve shared a lot of life together and though now our lives are lived pretty far apart, I still love her a ton! So, while I looked through her slideshow of pictures tears came pretty quickly…

[Please excuse me for the ways that I am taking an exciting and joyous thing happening in someone’s life and, for a moment, making it about how I feel…]

1st there were tears because baby Andrew is beautiful and a miracle and something… someONE… she’s been looking forward to for a long time and I’m just delighted for her and Dave!

2nd there were tears because there were pictures of her parents holding their first grandchild… and I know her parents and I think they’re pretty awesome! And I’m so excited for them! And I know they’ll be great grandparents! And it just made me miss my parents and ya know… wish I could see them (both) be grandparents.

3rd there were tears because there were pictures of Tawni and Rachel holding baby Andrew… In college, we were 4: Jenni, Tawni, Rachel, and Shanda. But now I’m the one who used to be the forth. I’m not “out of the picture” but for a few years now I’ve been a “once a year visit” friend and now I’m on the other side of the world and I don’t get to be IN the pictures. I just get to look at them. And cry. And miss my friends. A lot.

4th there were tears because I think it’s beautiful to watch people become parents and, honestly, I really do want to become one myself. It’s okay that I’m not. I am living a valuable life. But that’s one of the desires that I have and it’s okay to desire it. But the truth is that I really have no idea if or when that desire will ever become a reality for me. And that’s okay too. But it’s also okay if sometimes, the unmet desire makes me cry.

5th there were tears because there are a lot of babies who I love, and whose parents I love, that I haven’t gotten to meet yet because I live this crazy life that has often meant being away from people I love.

6th there were tears because I know that I am blessedtremendously blessed… to have so many people to love and to miss… and to have the freedom and the ability to be who I am and to move around the world… and to pour out my life into other people that I lovedearly.

So there you go, just some – I’m exhausted but I can’t sleep – honesty about things that make me cry.


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