And that will never change…

6 weeks from tomorrow I am flying to the other side of the world.
No big deal. I’ve flown to the other side of the world several times now.
Oh, but it is a big deal. It’s always a big deal. No matter how many times I do it, it will always be a big deal. And this time… THIS time… it’s BIGGER.
 Because THIS time… It’s a one way ticket.
How did this happen?
One day at a time. One heart change at a time. One step of trust after another step of trust.
Followed by a freak out.
Followed by an overwhelming peace and confidence.
Followed by another freak out.
I am often told that I have a “calming presence.” I don’t really know what that means but I think it’s probably a good thing. But, I’m not gonna lie, lately…
I feel pretty UNcalm on the inside. Can you sense it on the outside? I mean, I have my moments of great calmness. But then…
I have questions. I have sadness. I have complete and total freaked outness.
Now that I think about it though, I think… in the deepest parts of me… the calmness still resides. Because it’s deep down in there that I KNOW God’s sovereignty and I TRUST His leading.
It’s the surface parts of me… the parts that are more in contact with the world and more attached to the people and the places I love on THIS SIDE OF THE WORLD… that feels uneasy.

I think I need to share more about my “processing” of this “transition” … Partially because writing things out is majorly theraputic for me.
BUT… that’s part of the problem. When I start to write about what I’m thinking, feeling, hoping, longing for, fearing, loving…
I start crying my face off.
Apparently, having a one way ticket to the other side of the world brings out the basket case in me sometimes. :)
And it’s not just because I’m freaked out…
It’s also because I am…

that I’m able to do this.
that I have a family and more friends than I ever would have dreamed of having who are SO supportive and are loving me through this process.
that God took what I was… and turned it into what I am… and is unceasingly working to turn me into what I WILL BE.
that God is willing to use me to do what He could do without me.

Oh my goodness.
I don’t think that I really understand.

And life.
Life is happening today.
And tomorrow.
And while 6 weeks from now, things change…
They also really don’t.

I’m me.
Here … or there.
I am what I am.
I do what I do.
I serve who I serve.
I love who I love.
And that will never change…
Even though my address does.

Well, thanks for listening. You’re great.


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