Dear Me (at age 18) // Love, You (at age 29)

When I was 18, I wrote myself a letter. It was an assignment for my Senior English class. We were to write to our future selves. We could say anything we wanted to. Our teacher promised to mail it to us 5 years later. Having forgotten all about it, 23 year old me laughed when I opened it and discovered that 18 year old me had thought it was a good idea to fill it with confetti. It was 5 or 6 pages long – and very colorful (that hasn’t really changed). I wish I had the letter still to show you, or at least quote, but I think with all the moving I’ve done, and the continual process of purging unnecessary THINGS, it has found its way into some landfill by now. But I can tell you that 18 year old me said,

Well, I’ll have graduated from college. I’ll probably be a teacher, or going to graduate school for Special Education. And I’ll probably be married, or at LEAST engaged. And maybe I’ll be thinking about kids. I’d like to have my first when I’m 24 or 25.

18 year old me was confident that those things – my education, my job, being a wife, and a mother – would be my identity by the age of 23.

This week, I turned 29. It’s the last year of my 20s, the 30th year of my life.
And it is not what I expected when I was 18.

I have a BA and an MA, but neither are the ones I planned at 18. And I don’t hang either of them on the wall and they’re really not very important. They do nothing to define me.

I am a teacher. It’s a part of my nature/character. And sometimes, it’s a part of my job. But it’s not my identity.

I’m not a wife, I’m not even a girlfriend, but I still hope to someday be one. But when that happens, that relationship will not provide me with my identity, and NOT having that relationship or role does not detract anything from my identity or worth.

I’m not a mom. I’ve been a bossy big sister who thinks she’s a mom/a babysitter/a childcare worker/a teacher/a nanny/an “aunt,” but I’m still far removed from being a mother.  I pray that someday, I’ll have that privilege… but when I do, it won’t be my identity. And while I don’t have that role to live in, my identity is secure without it.

Clearly, I was wrong about a lot of things. But I was most wrong to think that my identity could EVER truly be found in any of those things.

If 29 year old me could write a letter to 18 year old me, it would say this:

Dear Me (at age 18),

When I think about you, me at 18, I can’t help but laugh. You’re pretty ridiculous. {So am I, honestly. But it’s a different ridiculous.} 

This may be a bit of a shocker but my favorite color is green (not pink), I haven’t had my nails french manicured in YEARS, I drink my coffee BLACK, I think Frappuccinos are gross, I like onions, and I run several miles a week – entirely by choice. I’m not like you anymore. And those are just the little things. BIG THINGS are going to change for you, in you, and around you over the next 11 years. I won’t tell you about those specifically. You can’t handle it yet. A lot of it is going to be hard. Really hard. And a lot of it is going to be amazing. Really really amazing – kinds of amazing that you can’t yet imagine. And even the hard stuff, somehow God is going to fit it together to make something beautiful. Trust Him!

And about that: This is a lesson you should learn as soon as possible.

You belong to Christ. You are IN Him. He is IN you. (That’s all going to mean a lot more to you THIS year (28/29) than it ever has before! Be excited about that!) And that, little girl, is where your identity lies. Not in a job. Not in a relationship or a role that you fill. Not in your education. Not in your size. Not in how much people like you. Those aren’t bad things, but they are not what define you, what root you, or what make life worth living.

Your identity is IN Jesus. Read that sentence again. And again. And again. When everything else is stripped from you, you are IN Jesus. And that is gloriously beautiful. And that makes you gloriously beautiful – no matter how you may feel sometimes. Jesus is EVERYTHING; let Him be YOUR everything. His life is IN you. It is. And it’s true what Paul said. All that other stuff that you’ve currently got your eye on, it’s RUBBISH. Don’t let its shininess distract you from what is ACTUALLY beautiful and TRUE!

There’s a lot I sometimes wish I’d (you’d) figured out sooner, but if I told you now you just wouldn’t get it. You’re not ready. So just live and go through it all, and know it’s going to be great because you are/I am IN Jesus and He’s doing something…Something you really don’t understand yet, and I don’t really understand yet either, but I’m seeing more all the time how beautiful it is!

Love,
You (at age 29)

“Himself” | Christ is everything

Once it was the blessing; Now it is the Lord;
Once it was the feeling; Now it is His Word;
Once His gift I wanted; Now the Giver own;
Once I sought for healing; Now Himself alone.
All in all forever; Only Christ I’ll sing;
Everything is in Christ; And Christ is everything.
Once ‘twas painful trying; Now ‘tis perfect trust;
Once a half salvation; Now the uttermost;
Once ‘twas ceaseless holding; Now He holds me fast;
Once ‘twas constant drifting; Now my anchor’s cast.
Once ‘twas busy planning; Now ‘tis trustful prayer;
Once ‘twas anxious caring; Now He has the care;
Once ‘twas what I wanted; Now what Jesus says;
Once ‘twas constant asking; Now ‘tis ceaseless praise.
Once it was my working; His it hence shall be;
Once I tried to use Him; Now He uses me;
Once the pow’r I wanted; Now the Mighty One;
Once for self I labored; Now for Him alone.
Once I hoped in Jesus; Now I know He’s mine;
Once my lamps were dying; Now they brightly shine;
Once for death I waited; Now His coming hail;
And my hopes are anchored; Safe within the veil.

~ A. B. Simpson’s hymn “Himself”

Thanksgiving | {family, memories, wilderness}

This Thanksgiving I am thankful for many things. To start with, this is the first time in 5 years that I have been at “home” in California with my family for the holiday. I am thankful that I’m here to force my brothers (and Erica!) to take goofy pictures with me! I am thankful that I got to eat some of my Nana’s fantastic BUTTERMILK PIE! And my mom’s green bean casserole!

I am thankful for a season of living near some of my bffs…  being near the ocean again… And for mountains and trees… And San Diego weather! I’m thankful for the other families of friends I have sprinkled around the world… for the memories of Thanksgivings spent sleeping in hammocks and eating the best rice and beans you could dream of on the Amazon River… and for memories of my friends chanting “Shanda! Shanda! Sing a song! Sing a song!” and then singing “Fried Ham” around the table while eating duck and “corn bread” (corn on bread).

But, I wouldn’t feel honest if I didn’t tell you that life has been less than purely peachy lately. This transition time has stretched further than I hoped. And it’s been full of hiccups and questions and annoying circumstances and big decisions and huge paradigm shifts that are changing everything for me. Not easy. And not over yet. It feels much like a season of walking through the desert. And really, I am in a wilderness. God has shown me rich things that He is taking me to, but I’m not there yet. I am on my way… slowly, but surely. And in the meantime, He is supplying me with Himself – manna in the wilderness – and promising that there will be even MORE of Him on the other side!

So, at the top of my list of things to be thankful for this year: I am thankful for the wilderness and for the sifting and stripping down that is occurring in my life and heart here. I am thankful for Christ supplying Himself to me, and for the love and encouragement I am finding along the way, and for the richness that I know He is leading me to on the other side of this wilderness.

There have been days that JOY was very hard to find or choose. But it is returning, more and more. And I am filled with hope and excitement about what lies ahead. I know it is going to cost me things to get there… but it will be worth it, entirely. Jesus always is.

For an awesome article on seasons in the Wilderness, click here!

expecting Jesus to do and say things that blow us away | Narnia

I have a feeling that in the days to come there will be many Chronicles of Narnia inspired posts appearing here. This shall be the second. :) I read The Magician’s Nephew this week. It’s been YEARS so it really was like reading for the first time, almost. I just love the characters. Reading their story is like spending time with friends. They make me laugh and they teach me things.

C.S. Lewis describes the different perspectives so well and he explains, “For what you see and hear depends a good deal on where you are standing: it also depends on what sort of person you are.” How true that is. Our perception is determined by: 1. Where we’re standing. 2. Who we are. And depending on how those two factors come together, we MAY have a totally false perception of reality. Like Uncle Andrew…

Describing Uncle Andrew, Lewis writes, “Now the trouble about tying to make yourself stupider than you really are is that you very often succeed.” You see, suddenly they had found themselves in Narnia and Aslan had just chosen some animals to be Talking Beasts. Everyone but Uncle Andrew saw the beauty, but he was too caught up in being frightened and, long story short, he convinced himself that nothing but roars and growls could come from animals. So, while Aslan was making beautiful music and he and his Talking Beasts had much to say, roars and growls were all Uncle Andrew ever heard.

Later on in the story, Aslan explains, “He has made himself unable to hear my voice. If I spoke to him, he would hear only growlings and roarings. Oh, Adam’s sons, how cleverly you defend yourselves against all that might do you good!”

And it got me thinking, I wonder how many times in my life I have failed to hear what God was saying because I’d convinced myself that what I was hearing was just something else. I wonder how many times God’s creations (people) have spoken beautiful truths to to me, but I didn’t hear it because I was only expecting growls and roars – so to speak.

I pray that we will continually grow in walking with our spiritual eyes and ears open and expectant. Life is so much fuller and richer when we remember that God gave us those (spiritual eyes and ears) and that He has things to say to us, really and truly.

We are far too good at defending ourselves against all that might do us good and would do well to stop and listen and look expecting Jesus to do things and say things that blow us away.

HAPPY Friday | get up and dance

Happy HAPPY Friday friends!

So, I’ve never seen my youngest brother dance – well, since he was an uninhibited little kid. But I imagine he actually has some pretty fantastic moves. I mean, the boy is a very skilled drummer, so he obviously has rhythm. He’s athletic, so he obviously is coordinated. So, I think he’s holding out on us because he doesn’t like being the center of attention. AND he probably would be if he danced because he’d be soooo good.

When I saw the following video, it made me think of my brother. Because I know he dances when he’s alone. So, I laughed – a lot. (Also, because this guy is super goofy.) [And I am not saying that this is how my brother dances… ]

So, in celebration of Friday. I think we should all get up and dance – alone – at some point in the day!

P.S. I really envy people who can keep a straight face… I always burst into laughter. Sigh.