that “in my element” feeling | a shy extrovert

I’m odd. It’s a well known and often stated fact. But let me tell you another reason why it’s true:

I’m a shy extrovert,
who has some definite introverted qualities too. 

That’s weird. And I think people think it’s impossible. But it’s not. It’s who I am. It always has been. But people don’t often really know that. Even some of my best friends are baffled by the shyness sometimes when it shows its face.

I’ve been thinking about this because yesterday I went to a girls’ night at Anissa’s with a bunch of her friends. I had only ever met one of them before. It was fun. There was dancing and all sorts of silliness involved. But I sat and watched most of the time, laughing and enjoying myself – but not really joining in. Anissa told me, “You’re being weird! Come dance!” So eventually I forced myself for a song or two. But I was pretty much not “FUN GOOFY SHANDA!” at any point of the night.

So I went home and I thought to myself, “Why did Anissa say I was being weird?” And I realized that it’s because she is the life of the party kinda girl. And I’m often right beside her, doin’ the FUN GOOFY SHANDA thing… and we’re the life of the party, together… but that is because over most of the years of our friendship she has seen me when I’m “in my element” or around “my people” and in those circumstances, the shyness fades away. But if you take me “out of my element” and put me with more than 3 or 4 people that are new to me, I’m shy and maybe kind of awkward for a while.

And that is pretty much the story of my life right now. Because…

There is NO WHERE that I feel like I am “in my element.”

I feel out of place these days, almost always. And that’s okay. It’s a season. And it has purpose. But, I guess that means it’s a season that will be filled with the shy and awkward part of me. Eventually, I’ll get to where I’m going and I’ll find “my element” – whatever that will be – and FUN GOOFY SHANDA will show her loud face! I’m assuming.

I’ve not always really appreciated the shy part of me, because I’ve always loved PEOPLE and FUN [even on my shyest days – like when I had to count to ten to get the courage to raise my hand and ask my teacher if I could go to the bathroom]. I NEED people. I get my energy from them. So, at various stages I’ve tried to force the shy out. But let’s just face it, it’s part of me. It always will be, to one extent or another. And that’s not a bad thing. Even when no one expects it because they’re used to the FUN GOOFY “I love people and can make friends with ANYONE!” extroverted side of me.

Sigh. Life. I wonder how long it will take me to get to where I’m going.
I kind of miss having that “in my element” feeling.

In the meantime, I’m giving myself permission to be shy and awkward when I need to be… AND when I am, it doesn’t mean something is wrong. [I am reminding myself that, while also informing concerned observers.]

whatever “crazy” you want me in

I’ve been gradually learning something about myself…  I am often times too pragmatic about things. I see A and I see B and I think that clearly they should add up to C [because I’m smart and I know that A and B make C! – obviously!] … right NOW. If it makes sense… it just makes sense and we, clearly, should really just hurry along to C. {I realize that this might seem strange for me to say. I doubt most people think of me this way. I guess I’m kind of a weird mixture of left and right brained so the way I see A and B and C might be different than others. But in MY mind, they logically add up. :)}

The problem with that is, God doesn’t typically work that way – through pragmatic ways. At least not most of the time. Just look at Scripture.

People said, “Hey look! There’s a giant. We need to fight him. Let’s get our biggest guy and develop a strategy for how he’ll bring him down. Then we’ll send him in and obviously he’ll be victorious.” But God said, "No. That’s not how it’s going to work. I’ll send in this little guy, because He trusts ME. And he’ll get the job done that your big guy can’t do.” Sending in the little guy makes NO SENSE. He’ll get killed. You can’t do that. But that’s how God chose to bring victory.

People came to the big massive walls of Jericho and rather than develop an attack plan God said, “Just do what I say. March around and then blow your horns… and the walls will just fall!” How does that make ANY sense? But that’s how God worked.

Joseph was living it up with a multi-colored coat and God showed him through dreams that things were going to get even better. If he was like me, he probably thought that would happen sooner than later. But no. FIRST he had to be hated, tricked, thrown into jail, used and abused… and THEN years later, He got to where God had showed him He was going. Years. But he remained faithful, the whole time, even though he did not understand. How many times do you think he wondered, “LORD, why is this happening? It doesn’t make sense. I thought you told me in a dream…” And God said, “Yeah. I did. Just wait.”

Simon and Andrew. They had jobs as fishermen, and they were good at it. They were doing their thing and Jesus said, “Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.” What in the world does that even MEAN? Fishers of men? How do you fish men? Why would they leave their jobs to follow some stranger? But they did. Immediately. They left everything and went. Does that sound wise? Not so much. But that’s what the presence of Jesus brings out of people.

There are thousands of people gathered, but there is no food. Oh wait. There are 5 loaves and 2 fish. People said, “We better send all these people home. They need to eat and we don’t have nearly enough food.” But Jesus said, “No. No. Bring me what you have and I will feed them.” Ommm… Not going to work. Obviously. Use your head Jesus. But that’s not the way He works. He didn’t say 5 loaves + 2 fish = clearly NOT enough food. He said, “I’ve got this. Just do what I say.”

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

Isaiah 55:8-9

Right. So I can’t just use my noggin and figure it all out. At least not if I want to live God’s way.

I left Asia. And I started making plans. They made sense to me. Then God said, “Wait. Don’t plan. This isn’t My Way for you.” So I stopped and waited. And now, I’m still waiting but it’s becoming more clear everyday that where I thought I was going is not where God is taking me. And that usually means… well, something that doesn’t make sense is coming. So, I’m getting ready.

Honestly Jesus, sometimes your higher ways feel a bit… well CRAZY. But, okay. I’m listening. And I’m letting go of my A and B obviously should bring us to C (and definitely NOT D) mentality [again]. And whatever “crazy” you want me in… Well, I’m in. I want what you have for me and nothing less than it.

I’m Letting Go by Francesca Battistelli

Just his breath. Just his presence. | Hero, defined.

As recently mentioned, I’ve been having a lot of “WOW”/moved to tears moments lately when it comes to Jesus. In some ways, it makes me sad that this isn’t how I’ve always been. I’m not saying that we need to always be emotional, but doesn’t who He is seem as though it would naturally evoke emotion?! I mean, if just ONE thing were to do so… Shouldn’t it be HIM? We should never be able to grow numb to His beauty. That just shouldn’t be possible. I should never stop being overwhelmed by the fact that I’m HIS and He is MINE! Never. And so I am SOOOO grateful for the increasing way that I am finding myself enthralled by Him lately… and I pray that it only grows…

Today, I was reading some in 2 Thessalonians. Chapter 2 talks about “The Man of Lawlessness” – the “antichrist” and then it talks about when Jesus returns and what will happen. I won’t explain the whole thing. You can go read it if you want to. {SO GOOD!} Verse 8: “And then the lawless one will be revealed, whom the Lord Jesus will kill with the breath of his mouth and bring to nothing by the appearance of his coming.” That’s it. That’s all it will take. Just his breath. Just his presence. He is that RICH! That FULL! That GLORIOUS! That AWEsome!

Well anyway, my head and heart kind of spun thinking about this today. And I thought to myself…

 

This is Jesus.

 
This is the ONE to whom I belong.

Why in the world do I EVER struggle with TRUSTING this Jesus!?!?!?!

Maybe it’s because I forget, or haven’t understood, who He is.

I had other things I keep planning to post about… but today, I just want to keep thinking about Jesus… Really! Just his breath. Just his presence. That’s all it will take to smash “The Man of Lawlessness” when the time comes. Hero, defined.

{Random Picture Post} | always make me smile and miss…

There are some pictures that will ALWAYS make me smile and miss… 

… laughing with these ladies:

… hilariously pitiful adventures with “Mr. Wu” (who is not in this picture, and yet he IS):

… dinner parties with the office crew:

… falling asleep on trains (I’m REALLY good at that):

… being dramatic at KTV:

as I more fully understand the words

I’ve been reading a lot lately, which isn’t unusual or surprising for anyone who knows me. But it’s been different. As I’m reading lately there are often tears that fall onto the pages of my book [or my kindle screen]. I see the wetness and THEN I realize I’m crying, unaware. Something about these words is stirring a longing in my soul that moves me to tears. It’s intense and beautiful.

I’m learning something about why I love, and need, words. You see, I’m wired this way. I need words first. For example, love/affection expressed without an explanation in words just confuse me. Without words, I have no idea what a hug means, or what a gift is for. I like them. I appreciate them. But I have no idea how to understand them. If a hug comes with the words, “I have missed you so much!” or “It is so good to see you!” or “Thank you for being here! It means so much to me!” then the hug takes on a life that wraps me up in warmth. Without those explaining words, I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to do with the hug – how I’m supposed to understand it. If I’m given a nice gift, I appreciate it… but if it comes with a card that tells me why the giver cared enough to buy me a gift – that’s going to be the thing that I treasure: The reason. The words. The meaning in the words that are expressed through the gift.

And this is why I’m moved to tears so often lately, because I’m reading Scripture and books that talk about Scripture – about Jesus! And… It’s not that I’ve never read any of it before… But there’s something going on in the way I’m learning to hear and receive and understand the meaning of the words…

And this love/affection God has been expressing, forever, is coming more alive to me as I more fully understand the words…

Oh, how thankful I am for words…