Just slow days, filled with Jesus. Waiting.

About a week ago, I was struggling to stay afloat. It was like I couldn’t even see. I was so very overwhelmed with the amazing things I am learning – sometimes in a good way and sometimes in a “THIS IS TOO MUCH! MAKE IT STOP!” way – piled on top of reverse culture shock. [I’ll have to write a post about reverse culture shock because I’m sure many of you have no idea what I really mean by that… but I’ll save that for later.] And, as I shared here, Jesus showed me that I needed to just stop and wait and spend time letting Him show me the things He wants me to see, when He wants me to see them. No big decisions. No big moves. Just slow days, filled with Jesus. Waiting.

I’ve been trying to do that for a week now. I stopped actively pursuing anything (other than more Jesus) because I’m very unsure of what to be pursuing and 1. Jesus said stop and wait! 2. I have this feeling that where He’s taking me is going to be… not what I was expecting or planning.

It has been sooo good in so many ways. I really am learning and processing SO much – really good stuff. But it has also been hard. After 4 days of “waiting,” I instinctively started trying to construct new plans in my mind. When I realized what I was doing I stopped and asked, “Is this you Jesus or am I jumping the gun again?” I was jumping the gun. While I’m feeling less overwhelmed than I had been, my vision is still unclear. There are still things I need to see. So I’m HERE, waiting… trusting… learning…

Sometimes I feel trapped in the routine of not having a routine. Does that make any sense? I am not moving forward, I’m just HERE. At least that’s what it FEELS like. And HERE (jobless, staying with my family in a suburb not really super close to anything that interests me) is not where I want to be. The biggest problem is that I kind of feel like an idiot/lazy person, or at least like I will look to other people like an idiot/lazy person.

I need to confess a couple things. CONFESSION 1: I AM an idiot. I don’t want you to think I am. But I totally am. Let’s all just accept that and move on with our lives. Jesus loves me and lives in me and works through me anyway… And maybe it is my idiocy that is the reason that I have to take some time… And it is definitely my idiocy that allows me to see the beauty of His grace! I guess it’s a good thing. CONFESSION 2: I want your approval. I really do. I want you to think I’m awesome, smart, wise, (insert positive adjectives here). That desire and preoccupation (wondering what you’ll think if I do this or that or the other thing) trips me up and gets me thinking in the wrong direction ALL THE TIME!

The other day, I met two women at Starbucks. I was annoyed by them actually. I moved outside because I didn’t want to be near them. Honestly. I’m a jerk sometimes. But they came and got me from outside. Weirdest experience ever. And a long story. Maybe I’ll tell it sometime. Anyway, I ended up sharing some of my struggles with them. One of them grew up as an M.K. and had a great deal of understanding for (parts of) my situation. And in the midst of our conversation, she read this verse to me:

“For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” (Galatians 1:10)

Right. So, my desire for approval of man… it needs to be squashed.

I’ve been pondering some questions recently. Would you like to know what they are? I’ll tell you. Do I trust the Holy Spirit? Really? Truly? How does my life reflect a trust and dependence on the Holy Spirit? How can I trust Him more?

It’s a scary thing – that trusting Him MORE. And I feel like there are going to be people who think I am crazy along the way… But what will happen if I really listen? If I really walk a Spirit led life and live not for the approval of man? Aren’t I supposed to look crazy? Didn’t He say that would happen?

Well, anyway… This is me… and I don’t know where I’m going or what I’m doing. But I’m learning about trusting. And I trust it’s going to be very good.

Thanks for checking in.

Jerry Maguire taught the world lies.

I, for the time being, have the luxury of being able to sleep in. That really just means that I have the luxury to stay up really late reading. Last night I stayed up [till 2:30am] finishing a novel (Remember by Karen Kingsbury). I borrowed it on my kindle from my friend (Asia Sister) Brittany. It’s a part of a series. This was book 2 of 5. I was hesitant to start reading because a series of novels all at my disposal (if Brittany continues to share) will inevitably suck me in and distract me from reading other things that I want to be reading, but I did it anyway because I wanted to … escape into a story.

Buuuuuut… last night, towards the end of the book, I found myself annoyed and while I’ll probably eventually get over it and read the rest of the books [I’ve begun to care about the characters as though they are my friends. Do you do that?] I’m glad to be annoyed by them for a while so I can get back to my other reading.

Why am I annoyed? I’ll tell you.

Because Ryan told Kari (characters in the book) “… the only time I’m ever whole is when I’m with you.” AND “You complete me, Kari. You always will.”

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH! {Eyes rolling! Arms up in the air!}

Maybe this is, once again, me being finicky about word choices. But seriously, I think Jerry Maguire taught the world lies.

Why Jerry? Why did you have to say that?????

I have gained much and lost much in my life. Relationships. Possessions. Reputation. Respect. Success. They’ve come, they’ve gone, they’ve come, they’ve… What I have learned is that none of the gains will ever make us more complete and none of the losses make us less complete.

Completion is a job that ONLY JESUS can do.

I’m single. AND. Believe it or not, I am complete. Sure, I would really love to have a person to walk through life with who compliments me and I hope, someday, that I will… but completing me is never going to be the job of a man, and I will never accept the position of completing another. (Maybe that’s why I’m single?) It’s too much pressure for a person. It is the job of JESUS. He made me. He fills me. I’m complete.

Now, I know some of you have said these words – “You complete me!”, or some form of them, and I appreciate your sentiment. I really do. You’re in love. You feel more alive and all that other mushy stuff. And that’s beautiful. But maybe it’s because you COMPLIMENT each other, not because you COMPLETE each other. That’s probably what you meant, just not what you said. Again, I’m finicky about words. Don’t take it personally.

Complimenting is a beautiful thing.

Completing is an unhealthy expectation for anyone who is not GOD.

And that’s what I think about that… Since you asked.

P.S. The first time I watched Jerry Maguire, I was in 8th grade on a plane to Washington D.C. I thought it was so romantic when Jerry said those famous words. I hoped someday someone would say them to me. Oh 14-year-old Shanda… Now, if someone said them to me I would probably respond with, “Aww… That’s nice… But I really don’t complete you…”

Things you might want to click on:

An article in USA Today recently shared statics you might find interesting … “More Americans tailoring religion to fit their needs”

Losiah’s most recent YouTube appearance. Cutest little boy!!!

A HILARIOUS video taking computer problems literally!

9 year old Alex, from Tanzania, recounts the story of Schwarzenegger (yeah, def. had to look up how to spell that)in Commando

An inspiring article, seriously – READ IT, about re-appropriating the term “Making a Living”

Apparently, Panda Dogs are the new thing – see 1, and 2

the love of my Father

I spent yesterday afternoon and evening at the beach. I sat at a picnic table journaling. I walked in the sand up and down the shore. I stood staring into the horizon. I sat on a bench reading. I laid in the grass. I went to my favorite ocean-side coffee shop. I took pictures of the sunset over the pacific.

Being near the ocean delights my soul. When the salt air hits my nostrils and curls up my hair, it also wraps me up in the love and closeness of  Jesus. {Cheesy sounding, maybe. But so very true.}

At one point in the day, I watched (in a non-creepy fashion) a man and his two daughters playing in the grass under the palm trees. The girls were probably 2 and 4 years old. He would chase them and they would act as though they didn’t want to be caught, but they did. He’d pretend it was hard to catch them, but it wasn’t. Then he would scoop them up in his arms and spin them around. They would giggle with delight and then he’d put them down and it would be their turn to chase him. After a minute or two he’d pretend to be tired and fall to the ground, giving them the chance to catch him. Then he would say, “Ohhh… here comes a hugging monster… here comes ANOTHER hugging monster!” And the girls would wrap their little arms around him and, again, he’d pick them up and spin them around. They clearly loved their father and delighted in his love for them.

I LOVE seeing people LOVE, especially fathers and daughters (and sons too). It’s such a special thing. As I sat there, I remembered my own father’s love for me…

I’m very ticklish. When I was a little girl, my Dad would attack me with tickles and I’d giggle until I could barely breathe while protesting, “top it Daddy, top it!” (top it = stop it) He would stop and I’d catch my breath and then say, “Do it again! Do it again!” I don’t think it was that I LOVED being tickled so much as it was that I loved having his attention. I loved making him laugh and smile. As I got older, I was so impressed by his random knowledge about the world that I wanted to impress him with my own so I read and I learned and I would say, “Hey Daddy, Did you know _____________?” and when he didn’t know, I felt like I’d achieved something amazing. [So, yes… My nerdiness is all a result of a desire to impress my father.] The funny thing though is that I didn’t have to TRY to impress him. I could have been the biggest idiot in the world and known nothing about anything and he would have thought I was just amazing – because I was his daughter, the little girl with curly red hair that he had always dreamed of.

So as I sat in the grass by the beach watching this father love his daughters and thanking Jesus for the love my father had for me… He reminded me…

This is how I love you. This is how the Father loves you. You don’t have to impress us. You don’t have to work to achieve Our love. We made you. We delight in you. We love your attention and you always have Ours.

Today is my Daddy’s 55th birthday. He’s not on earth to celebrate it, but I will… because I’m thankful for the ways he taught me about love and helped me to understand the love of my Father.

new lenses | giving it time

I’ve been back in America 2 months today. I just realized that. I thought two months in I’d have things more figured out than I do. I got back to San Diego a week and a half ago and since then things have been… challenging. The traveling is over, the visitors have stopped coming… And now I have this expectation that it’s time to “get on with my life” and “figure this out.” But, it’s not that easy, I’m learning. I’ve been feeling very… Well, I had no idea how to explain how I was feeling – even to myself. Until…

[Stick with me for a minute. This is going to seem disconnected, but it’s not.]

I have vision problems. In both eyes I have astigmatisms. That means my cornea is the wrong shape. A good cornea should be perfectly round, like a baseball, and when light hits it focuses at a single point. My cornea is shaped like a football, and when light hits it focuses at many points, causing blurry vision – near and far. So, I wear glasses or contacts.

Glasses are helpful, but annoying. They are always sitting on your face and slipping down your nose. You can’t wear sunglasses with them (unless you get clip-ons, or a prescription pair). You can’t see peripherally. You can’t look up and down without moving your whole head. You can’t wear them in water, or when it rains. People can’t see your eyes (I LOVE seeing people’s eyes. I want them to see mine too!) {You people with perfect vision just don’t understand…}

Contacts solve a lot of those problems and they help, sometimes, to see better than glasses do. BUT they are also really annoying – particularly if you have astigmatisms. See, a certain part of the lens has to be on a certain part of your eye. So, we astigmatism people have to wear special contacts called torics. They are weighted to help them stay where they belong, but – at least for me – that doesn’t always work.

Every time I put my contacts in, I have to stand there by the mirror for a while – waiting for the lenses to settle onto my eyes properly. Sometimes it takes a while. I have to do eye exercises – look up, down, right, left… blink, blink, blink… maybe move the lens… maybe take it out and start over… And as the day goes on, when my eyes get tired (and when I cry), it happens again. I do what I can to help it get back where it needs to be, and I wait until I can see.

It’s frustrating. It feels like a waste of time… slowin’ me down… and just an annoyance in life.

So, a couple of days ago I was getting ready for the day and I put my contacts in. And it took FOREVER to see. I tried everything that sometimes helps but I just had to wait. And as I waited, Jesus whispered to me…

Shanda. This is your life now. I’ve given you new lenses to see me and my creation through. Your perspective of me and of the world is changing, and it will become more clear – more true – than it’s ever been before. But the lenses are new to you, and they haven’t settled into their proper place yet. It’s okay to wait. Just relax. Give it time. In my time, I will cause the lenses to settle in properly. Your vision will clear up and you will see my beauty like you’ve never seen it before. Right now, your eyes are tired. You are disoriented because you can’t see well. Don’t force yourself to move when you can’t see. It is not a waste of time to wait. Just spend time with me, I will show you what to do and when to look up, down, right, left… but let me work this out.

I don’t know exactly what being obedient to this looks like. But He told me He would show me when to do what. I guess now, all I can do is trust Him and wait and act in obedience in all the ways He’s told me so far… Giving it time… Waiting to see more clearly.

I’m thankful for what He’s helped me see so far, and thrilled to know that more is coming…