my perspective is flawed

Perspective is a funny thing. I often wonder how accurate my perspective is – of myself, of people around me, of situations, of God – of reality.

Today I read a quote that got me thinking about accuracy in perspective.

“Every major decision you make will be faulty until you see the whole world as God sees it.”
~ Ralph Winter

God’s perspective, obviously, is perfect – always. My perspective is flawed. Sometimes it is tainted by the smallness of my vision, the lack of my knowledge, the blindness of my heart, or just for plain NOT looking at realities. I’ve been reminded of that in many ways since I got back to the states – in tangible ways and in heart ways. The tangible is a good analogy to the heart… So, I’ll start there…

While living on the other side of the world, I had mirrors but only small ones where I mostly just saw my face. I didn’t have a full length mirror and I didn’t go shopping much in places where I’d be looking at mirrors. All I knew was I was wearing the same clothes I’ve always worn and I could put them on just fine. So, I didn’t think much about it. Over the last few months friends kept insisting that I’d lost some weight but I pretty much thought they were all crazy and assumed that I was just like I’d been for years, only maybe my clothes had stretched out a bit (since we didn’t have dryers). I didn’t have a scale and never weighed myself anywhere but I felt good/normal. No matter what anyone said, I continued to insist that I hadn’t really changed as much as people were saying I had. It wasn’t until I got back to my family’s house and stood on a scale for the first time in a long time that I began to realize that maybe they had all been right. I went shopping and I looked in full length mirrors and my clothes looked funny on me. I tried on smaller sizes and they fit. I was shocked. I’ve worn the same size for years. I had no idea how the change had happened but realized my perspective had been wrong because I just hadn’t had a chance to LOOK or measure and see the change.

Last night, sitting in the Starbucks I used to work in… I felt kind of like I was looking in a full length mirror for the first time in a long time – and what I saw was more different than I expected it to be. I knew I had changed but I didn’t realize how much… I hadn’t had a scale to measure the change or a mirror to look at myself in, but being back in “my place,” where everything was mostly “the same,” I felt SO different. I felt like I looked weird in my clothes and I was going to need to buy new ones. But this time, since it’s a heart change and not an outside change, I feel like it’s a secret that only I can know and see. A former customer/friend and fellow believer asked me, “Are you changed?” And I said, “Yes. I think so.” He asked, “How?” I didn’t know what to say. I have no idea how to explain the change. I just know that standing in the place I’ve stood in so many times before I was suddenly realizing that my insides have been all stirred up and rearranged – broken and put back together in a new way.

I guess the most frustrating part is that… I can’t really explain it to anyone… Mostly because I don’t think I fully understand what it is or know exactly how it happened.

My perspective is flawed and faulty. And this is one more way I just have to TRUST that God knows what He’s doing and why and over time, He’ll help me to understand what I really look like and see what He’s changing me to be.

at 1am, I’m wishing

1am and I are not getting along well this week. I find myself meeting 1am very tired but wide awake. Once this happens, my mind begins to spin and then I get overwhelmed and emotional – and that sure doesn’t help sleep. I guess 1am is also when and where I’m most alone to actually think and process and deal with life – and I need that time, I guess.

I’m traveling now. This week I’m visiting one of my favorite people – Jenny C. And I am loving getting to step into her life here in west TX for a few days. And to laugh! We’re really good at laughing. Next week I’m heading to Dallas – where I lived life for a few years before Asia. It will be so good to be there with friends I so very much love.

But at 1am, I’m wishing I could just sit in a pretty place with no people around and just cry to the Father and listen for His voice – with no distractions. I’m wishing I could just hurry up and get to wherever I’m going. And I’m wishing I could sleep.

more like Paul | my spirit was not at rest

One time, while I was on the other side of the world, one of my friends informed me that she and a couple other people had decided they were going to call me Paulina. Apparently, my life reminded them of Paul in some ways. I laughed. Paulina is a funny name. But I also laughed because I felt awkward… I am so unworthy of being compared to PAUL!!! That dude wrote like half the Bible! (slight exaggeration)  I’m not like him!

But then I remembered, Paul was pretty unworthy too! And the whole deal with him was – he was a man who did terrible things and then he had an encounter with Jesus and was filled with the Holy Spirit and everything changed. He began living a life directed by and dependent on the Holy Spirit. That’s why his life was so amazing and so beautiful. That’s even why his life was really really zig-zaggy (moving from one place to another) and didn’t necessarily always “make sense.”

And HELLO! That’s my story too! That should be the story of ALL followers of Jesus. Right? Maybe that’s part of our problem these days. We think Paul was the exception – an example that we can’t possibly ever live up to. But what if that’s not the way God intended it? What if He really wants us all to be Pauls (or Paulinas)? 

Honestly, and humbly… I relate to Paul these days more than I ever have before. I read this the other day:

When I came to Troas to preach the gospel of Christ, even though a door was opened to for me in the Lord, my spirit was not at rest because I did not find my brother Titus there. So I took leave of them and went on to Macedonia.

2 Corinthians 2:12-13

As I read it, I thought… Wow. That’s it. That speaks to why and how I left Asia. Doors were open. But my spirit was not at rest. It’s hard to explain. It doesn’t always make sense – even to me. I miss my friends. So very much. In so many ways, I didn’t want to leave them. And that little podunk town in Asia will forever be one of my “homes” and people there will forever by my family. But, I’ve been learning so much – and they were a part of that process – and I think I did there what I was supposed to do there. And I learned there what I needed to learn there. And now, I don’t know what it’s all going to look like but I do know – in my spirit – that He’s preparing me for something else and it was time to “take leave.“ For me, it’s not my brother Titus. I don’t know anyone named Titus. For me, it’s needing to spend some time in another of my place… another “home”… for a season of intentional learning and seeking and doing. And it’s people I haven’t met yet in places/a place I probably haven’t been yet… but someday… maybe.

So maybe I’m a little more like Paul than I thought? And maybe that idea shouldn’t make me feel so uncomfortable? 

“Shake the Dust” | see into stories

If you watched the TED talk I wrote about recently, you heard Nadia Al-Sakkaf talk about a documentary in the works called Shake the Dust.

I was intrigued – as usual. So, I did what she said and went to http://shakethedust.org/. And I loved it. A film maker who traveled all over developing countries around the world decided to make a film about the hip-hop sub-culture in places like Yemen, Uganda, and Haiti. (Places I’ve not been to… but I love!) And not only is it interesting to see into stories of people around the world and their love for the hip-hop culture but I LOVE the concept and motivation behind the making of the film.

The director shares his philosophy…

Upon returning from a trip to Uganda in 2006, I exhibited (along with another photographer) a series of images from my time backpacking through this volatile yet beautiful African country.  Although the exhibit was relatively well-received, one newspaper article claimed the show “lacked honesty.”  Their assertion was that very few of the images seemed to actually represent the reality of the suffering that was happening in Uganda.  “Where were the M16’s, the child soldiers, the poverty, disease, despair?”

The honest truth was this:  Suffering was indeed there, but it was not the majority of what I found.  Many filmmakers enter into a place of crisis, and, with a multitude of motives good and bad, endeavor to capture nothing but agony and despair.  Now, I believe there is certainly a place for that.  But if that is the only story that is told, then the subjects of our words, photos, and videos, are deprived of their humanity.  I believe we are called to empathize with suffering people– not just pity them.

When we are able to glimpse the whole of their experience– to taste their daily life, and seek to understand their culture– we will then begin to truly be moved to compassion for them– because we will not simply be looking at disturbing images– we will be looking at our brothers and sisters who are in peril.  People need to see the full truth– both the suffering, and the humanity.  This, I believe, will be the catalyst that truly stirs us to action.

… go here for the rest of the story …

It all goes along with the idea of needing to take the time and make the effort to KNOW the world if you really want to LOVE the world and seeing various sides of pictures/stories/realities. I just love it.

They are still in the process of traveling around the world and making the film a reality. For now, follow the blogumentary and follow along with the stories. But start with this:

5 things on my mind

1. You may have noticed… I like words. Really. I love them. [Not just because I like to talk.] I love how these letters and sounds come together to bring meaning. There’s so much beauty to be wrapped up with words. So much possibility.

2. I currently have two words that I use to describe my present state of life.

One is for when I am feeling positive: meandering. Doesn’t that sound pleasant?
With it, I have mental pictures of a winding river, butterflies, and just… exploring… seeing where the Spirit takes me and what He does along the way.

The other word is for when I’m not feeling as positive: floundering.
With that word, I picture a fish with a hook in its mouth, flopping around, outside of its element, scared to DEATH about the unknown that is coming its way.

3. My friend Anissa and I have a lot in common. We have this weird thing that somehow our lives are always filled with massive amounts of parallels – as we repeatedly go through similar things at similar times. It’s really kinda creepy. But, we also have a lot of differences. Last night we discussed one of them – our taste in men. So. So. So. Different. Hilariously so. (And we’re grateful for that, really.) We went to this thing and Anissa noticed this guy and she told me afterwards, “I kept thinking: you are so cool, and so interesting, and you look so good in those pants!” I laughed and told her, “That’s hilarious. I was thinking… I guess you’re kinda cool and stuff but, man, I seriously do not like your pants AT all!!!! They pretty much negate any coolness you might have.” So, if you know any interesting single men who love Jesus and like to wear skinny jeans – send them to Anissa. NEVER to me. That’s all. (P.S. If you’re a dude who wears skinny jeans, don’t take this personally. We can still be friends.)

4. I’ve started running again, after a – too long – break. So, I decided to use couch to 5k which is an app you can get on your phone or ipod. It starts you off slow, doing intervals of running 60 seconds and walking 90 seconds. And I’m excited to say that – even though I hadn’t run much recently – it’s too easy. But, I’m doing it anyway because it’s fun to do easy… and I like the progression so I’m stickin to it anyway. I like having a lady in my ear telling me when to run and when to walk. I also really like running in San Diego. It’s so beautiful outside. Who needs a gym!? The hills do sometimes present a challenge, but that’s good for me – and more fun than stairs. Anyway, my goal is to run 3 miles, 3 days a week and that happens to be the point that couch to 5k takes you to – after 9 weeks. Then, eventually, maybe I’ll try that training for a half-marathon thing again. [I say things like this here because then people know... and I feel more compelled to actually do them.]

5. I’m going to Texas next week and I’m pretty excited to see everyone there! :) I am not exaggerating when I say, I seriously have some of the most amazing friends on the planet! And I’ve missed them – lots!